These are the days of our lives

Honestly, it's hard to know where to start. I so love writing and my favourite inspiration is the champagne antics of my Mountain Man. Of late, it feels that he's not provided much levity and thus I ponder writers block. 

"I'm too sad to write," I complain to him, "No-one wants to read about my moaning and general glumness." 

"Just write," he commands. And then, pleasingly, will spend an entire day squeezing a 42" hose over a 48" fitting and afterwards be shocked and surprised that all the muscles across his chest ache just to open a jar. He continues to provide.

But, to be honest, we have been having a hard time shaking the sadness these days. I'm working toward acceptance, and find that some days are better than others, but I've never felt so sad. It's just a feeling of being overwhelmed by loss. Loss of our freedom. Loss of the world as we know it. Loss of access to any new community we were beginning to build here. Loss of a job (I had a full time teaching contract pulled from me a couple of weeks ago, due to the uncertainty of schools staying open at this time). Loss of all paid work for both of us (no-one wants team building workshops right now). Loss of planned visits and reunions with old friends. Loss of cuddles, meals, sharing time and space with my extended family. Loss of our vision of how this would all be. 

For the first time in my life, I find that tears are just below the surface and I want to cry. All the time. At the slightest wrinkle in events. 

"They're called feelings," Mountain Dad coaches me, "Just allow them. Honour them..." and I balk as this feeling stuff is usually his domain. Crying, is definitely his domain. 

And so we continue to strike this wobbly balance whereby I have a day of relative calm and acceptance and can jolly him through a funk. Then days later, I'll slip into the glums and he'll nurture me back to caring. I imagine it's a game that many of us are playing right now. Our kids, thankfully, seem as content as always. Granted, they were a tad affronted that all the playgrounds were closed, but they have found understanding and acceptance. A lot faster than I have, it seems. They've adapted in creative ways, throwing a basketball across our backyard fence to the neighbours kids, for example. Or racing their scooters with other neighbours along the footpath; one pair of siblings on the footpath this side of the street, the other pair of siblings on the other. 

The kids are not at school now as we've been asked to keep them at home, if we can. Being more of the homebody, I have taken on the home-based role teaching the kids in the mornings and facilitating our daily outdoor adventure in the afternoon. Shea has been picking up some bitsy work which gets him out of the house and provides a smidge of purpose for his restless soul. He's been mending rafts for one organization, packing fruit in boxes for another and supporting people with disabilities with tasks they require help with. He's also working hard on our wee trailer-sailer, Feisty. We're hoping to head out on her for a few days soon; our vision being that she will take us to the wild spaces that we miss from our Yukon home. It will be our version of the permitted 'daily exercise.' 

I find it an effort to don my rose coloured glasses at the moment; more now than when we had cancer. It's an odd time, comrades. However, I try. Some of our 'roses' of late include, 

- our daily outdoor activities. Sometimes it's just to go and build sandcastles at the beach. Or find a local geocache. Exploring our suburb makes us feel a little more normal.

- the communication with the kids school. Both teachers send us daily video's, messages and challenges. I appreciate their thoughtfulness and efforts to stay connected. 

- weeds in my garden. Who knew, I'd ever enjoy pulling up the blighters? I almost wish for more.

- the tickle monster has made his home in our house. He's very funny. 

- that wine shops are considered essential services. 

And until the next time friends, here are some pictures of sailing on our Feisty and the general days of our lives. Homeschooling. Outdoor adventures in our area. Play in the front yard with boxes. And my new normal habit of carrying disinfectant wipes with me everywhere I go.